Beef Curtains

This is an older post from one of my other blogs, but I decided it was time to be shared again. It's from my time as an editor for several epublishers. These are all true, sadly. NSFW.

As I delve further and deeper into the slick, dark, pulsing orifice that is erotica, I've come across some spectacular word usage. Sentence structure, obscure words (yes, I'm talking about you) and analogies that are enough to make any red-blooded woman cross her legs as tight as she can and pray that she doesn't stick to the chair like an industrial suction cup.


The phrases below do NOT fall into that category.



"Glistening Beef Curtains" So, are you fucking a Pastrami sandwich or a rump roast?


"Musk Fruit" Is that like Muskrat Love? Or did it just leave a special present in your shoe?


"Sweater Meat" Yeah. No.


"Baby-batter" And he sprayed his baby-batter all over my face in a hot jet... No, it doesn't get me, sorry. Call me frigid.


"Fuck juice" Okay, I get that we like to use the word 'fuck'. Hell, I love that word. It's so malleable. It's the sub to my Domme, she's my bitch. But juice? Juicy makes me think of a big, pulsing white-headed...(What did you think I was gonna say? *nudge*) zit. Fuck juice is what you get with Herpes.


"Macaroni sounds" Okay, people. We all know that when you stir macaroni, it sounds like you're diddling in a wet puss. But really. You want me to use it in a sentence? Sigh. "And as I rubbed my cock on her pussy, her macaroni sounds spurred me to make her make more." Obviously, that was not *my* sentence.


"Brown digits" When writing interracial sex as a kink or fetish, I do understand that describing the differences is key. But you can only say "brown digits" so many times before it sounds like you are talking about a stink pickle. What's wrong with saying fingers, or hands, or well-versed pleasure tools? I would not want to be pleasured by a digit unless I was screwing an accountant or the bank made an error in my favor. There are other colors besides brown. People come in other colors. Mocha, Honey, Ebony, Chocolate (you have to kind of watch that one too). You wouldn't describe Caucasian skin as just white, so African-American skin should not be described as just brown. Incidentally, this applies to all skin tones and ethnicities. But this refers to a specific and horrible example.


"Joy bags" Example: With my cock down the hot hole of her throat, I rested my sac on her nose and leaned forward to slap her joy bags back and forth. Scents are sexy. Noses and smells are not. Especially those that come from under a sweaty ball sac. Though, if the mood strikes, what can you do?

 
"You're so creamy." The hero says this pre-coitus. It makes one wonder, why is she creamy? Wet? Maybe. But creamy? Isn't he supposed to make her creamy with his cream or is he getting sloppy seconds and thirds? Or is she a mallow cup? Or is it like pulling apart a grilled cheese? Then you think creamy, the next logical association is peanut butter and that leads to chunky and that's just gross.
 
 
What about you guys? What startling word usage have you come across?